Saturday, 23 June 2012

I've had trust issues

It has been a year since I started my blog and have already penned down my thoughts and opinions in 111 posts! I have bared my heart and shared my deepest concerns with you all. My writing reflected the thoughts of an eccentric fifteen year old sometimes, and at times a teenager who is struggling to find her lost identity in the world. Truthfully speaking, I am a bit of both. I am mature enough to take my own decisions. I don't need any advises when it comes to taking my own decisions. I decide what I'm going to do, whose going to be there in my life and who is not. But at the same time, I am emotionally weak. My heart still aches when I have to let go the things which I have held to my heart since a long time and when my trust gets trampled over and over again. 

In fact, my trust has been broken by different people so many times, that at a point I had decided not to make anymore friends. I had completely isolated myself from the outer world. I would spend days, hours and even weeks analyzing a situation and what went wrong. But I would have no answer. The people I had trusted the most, had turned out to be so fake that I had lost faith in love and friendship.I was tired of smiling in front of everyone in the day and would cry to myself in sleep. So I started breaking others trust. Spilled out things people told me. But it didn't take me much time to realize that I was wrong. I realize that it takes years to build up trust and only suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

My trust issues kept on growing as I grew up. And now they have reached to such an extent that I can't believe what someone has said until I have a proof about it. I have lost many friends cause of my trust issues. They would ask me again and again "why don't you trust me?" and my voice would choke. I would have no answer. I would blame new people in life for the things old people did to me.

But in retrospect, I realize that these incidents have made me stronger emotionally. I have emerged as a much more mature individual. I realize that maturity has more to do with your experiences and less to do with the candles on your cake.