Saturday, 25 May 2013

Yes, I have a stone heart

When someone first told me that I have a stone heart, I felt like throwing a brick right at his/her face. When you do so much for a person, you at least expect a little appreciation in return. It is human nature. But then when you get blamed for that one mistake you made, or that one sin you committed ,knowingly or unknowingly a part of you dies. Permanently.
So when that one person whom I trusted more than anybody else, blamed me for that one mistake of mine, I felt the world around me coming to a grinding halt. I had a world of chances for that person but I wasn't even given one chance to improve upon. The truth was yet blurry but the lies were getting clearer. It was a moment of deep realization, retrospect. And at that very moment, I decided to change myself. Change myself for good. Stop feeling any deep emotion so that I don't fall apart when something of this sort happens again. I was so close to becoming a sadist. And this change not only had adverse affects on me, but also on the people around me.
So go ahead, tell me that i am mean, manipulative or maybe that I have a stone heart. But it is because of the stones you threw at me that I have developed a stone heart.

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Lost Faith

I knew things change with time, I knew people you know become people you knew and promises lose their meaning. But little did I know that things can change so much in a short span of 2 months.
It has been precisely 2 months since I left Mumbai and my life has totally changed. I knew this had to happen. Being from a defense background, I am not new to this shifting procedure. But this time maybe it happened a little to early and on a scale larger then usual. I knew there are no permanent friends and enemies and my so called 'friends' will stop answering my calls some day. But it has just been 2 months and I have started getting cold vibes from them. Earlier, I could here my Blackberry 'ping' in every ten minutes with random texts. Now, my phone remains untouched till the battery completely drains out. The girl who never returned home till 9:30 in the night doesn't feel like stepping out of the house anymore. I really want to talk to someone, but nobody seems to care. Pangs of longing are killing me. Every minute, every second and sadly, there is nothing I can do about it.
 So here I am, sitting on my computer table and drinking milkshake, trying to make the most of the last summer vacations of my life and waiting for that one person to call me and restore my faith in friendship.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013


Our true feelings for a person only come out when it is time to say goodbye.

In my own little world

It's 12:40 am and I am hovering through my Facebook news feed. A lot of people are online, some known and some not so known. Yet I don't feel like striking a conversation with anyone.

Has it ever happened to you that suddenly you feel like detaching yourself from everybody? You want to run away from everything and find peace in your own little world. You don't want 1000 friends on face book who will like your photos, but that one friend who will like you for who you are. You crave for acceptance and love. Maybe I'm going through the same phase. In my early teenage years, I always had an urge to expand my circle of friends. I prided myself on having 300 plus friends on social networking sites when I was thirteen. I would proudly say that I have friends from all parts of India. I would stay in touch with everybody and make new friends every time I could. Well, that was three years ago,when I was on the brink of teenage.

Things have changed a lot since then. I don't feel like adding more people in my friend list now. Both in and outside face book. I want to nurture my friendship with my little group of friends who like me for who I am and have accepted me that way. The rest of the world doesn't matter anymore. The past 2 years have been the most defining years of my life. In the process of growing up, I have learnt to love myself. I no longer hate myself for my clumsiness or foot in mouth attitude. I have accepted myself with my little flaws and I expect the same attitude from the people close to me. My circle of friends has contracted, but I'm closer to my true friends now. The emotional turmoil has ended and I feel much better now. The more time you spend with the people who love you, the more you start loving yourself. It is now I have understood the meaning of this phase, and well I am living it :)